~ Regression ~
The next tool the shadow uses to hide itself is regression.
Regression, described in the simplest terms, is to revert back to your child-like tendencies to weigh down and shut up those thoughts latched within your jar (APA Dictionary). At the very least, this is how I, personally, view it within my own philosophy. It uses your childlike wisdom, as an escape route.
Now, I know I stated that having a child’s insight is what makes a great genius in The Introduction. Please allow me to defend that here. As stated previously, children are the wisest among us. They are just not the most intelligent. I also stated that wisdom is different from intellect in many key ways. One of those ways is that wisdom is about knowing how to think, while intelligence is about knowing what to think. If this is to be assumed true then regression makes perfect sense for these situations. You don’t want to think about what you are thinking about, and you need to find out how to stop. This need to avoid the facts, and to create a distraction or comforter is something regression can do because knowing how to think doesn’t require that you think about any particular What, or in this case, the WHO behind the What.
As for how to spot yourself regressing, you should first look for whom you’re aiming to make a parental figure. Regression depends on you placing a parental role on someone, or something else. How did your parents help you when you felt hurt or scared? When are you asking others to do that? What are you using to do that now? For example, if you feel like you’re actually too dumb for your class, but you’re not willing to admit that to yourself, you might be using something as a parental tool. In this case, maybe you watch TV to distract yourself, like how your mom might have sung to you when the power went out. The TV has become your parental figure in this case, because it is fulfilling what was once the role of your parent. (Yes, living things can be replacement parents as well. I just didn’t have that as an example here. It's too obvious and easy to examine.) This tendency of yours to use a TV as a distraction may lead to procrastination, which can lead to you failing your class, which may lead to you feeling too dumb for your next class, and the cycle continues.
Another way you might find your regression is through the need for unconditional love. Many people believe that the humanistic approach to psychotherapy, Carl Rogers’ view, is based separately from Freud or Jung’s. It isn’t. To be unconditionally accepting in your therapy is really just reverting to a childhood that almost all of us share, and in such, it works for nearly everyone. In psychotherapy, it is often expected of you to have your client experience their repressed feelings in the moment, as a way to work through their past causes in the then and there. Freud often used a mixture of both displacement and regression.
When you were an infant, your caretaker most likely cared for you unconditionally. They loved you, and smiled at you, or at least protected you, no matter what you did. After all, you couldn’t really do much on your own, could you? They would even change your poop-filled diaper without complaint. If you cried in the middle of the night, even at exactly midnight, a parent would get up out of bed and comfort you without complaint, or at least, with no complaint visible to you. You ill not remember this, of course. You were less than one year old after all, but just5 imagine what life would be like if no one protected you when you were 2 months old.
You’d be dead, right?
but you’re not.
Back then, you had nothing to offer, but you’re still here.
This form of regression is possible for nearly all of us, as we’ve all been helpless infants at one point or another. We all would have needed copious amounts of luck to have survived without some form of selfless caregiver during those times. In such, this is a near-universally shared childhood.
This leads to another way to find your regressions. You must look for times when you feel a need to be loved, even when you have done nothing, or at least, nothing you’ve seen other people worshiped or praised for. This can often be seen in relationships. One member might do something, and have the other be clearly upset so they apologize, but when the other does the same thing back? They expect you to be understanding, or accepting of such unpleasant habits. Other times, you may find a partner who expects you to know their every need without them saying a word. Just like their parents did when they were a baby. With a small cry, or a pouty face, they expect you to know, not only the problem but also how to solve the problem. This may be due to a sense of insecurity within the relationship. It could even be, rather romantically, that they’re just terrified of losing you, but don’t even realize that themselves, as of yet. That may not be the case, but it could be. Understand, if you’re looking for a parent where there isn’t one, your shadow might be at play, and you should attempt some ways of merging it with your older, more rational self; and, if you’re living with your parents as a form of protection, you may, or may not be regressing - but even if you aren’t, it can at least be said that you’ve never grown up at all. This is not written to judge you. I'm still living with my parents as I write this, at age Twenty-Four! That being said, I don't truly consider myself grown-up yet, and I hope that I never will. I'm just telling you so that you don't stay in denial and say "I am a grown-up, just living with mom and dad." Instead, you should just say, "I'm not grown up YET, but someday I will be." What title you give yourself between adult and child is just that, YOUR title, but it isn't you.
So don't let it define you. What you are will change, but you never will.
A good way to merge your childish abilities with your adult abilities is to know when to let each one roam free and how. In another section, we will discuss the power of childish thinking, but for now, blending the two into a semi-seamless blend will still work wonders. It’s okay to crave distraction, so long as it isn’t at the wrong time. Distraction from boredom is far better than distraction from homework, for example; though doing that too often is a problem all on its own. You should think about if the WHO of your consequences matches with your ideal perspective of WHO you could be, and not necessarily who you are now. Have a dream and reach for it, because a dream is nothing without planning. Planning is nothing without action, and action is nothing without results.
Another good way to begin the merger is to think of it as times when you play the parent, and times when you play the child. If you and your significant other get into a heated debate, becoming a child is probably the least productive thing you can do, for both you and them, and for the sake of the shared relationship. Keeping in mind that there are times when you’ll be the child, too, perhaps you could try caring for them in ways you feel a parent would, WITHOUT becoming condescending or showing signs of contempt. For example, when the argument is over, and they’ve had time to cool down, ask them if you can give them a hug, or simply pat their head lovingly as a sign that you care. Children don’t necessarily like to be cuddled when they’re angry. Sometimes, they need to wait for a hug until they’ve calmed down, but if your partner seems to be in need of a hug, right then and right there, maybe, just maybe, you should try to give them what they need, no matter how scared you are to do so.
Finally, my last suggestion for blending the two has very little to do with the interactions between you, and the outside world. It's more about how you treat yourself. You, my friend, are just a child that has years of experience lobbed on top of you, and stacked painfully, atop your shoulders. There is a child within all of us, longing to be played with and cared for. Most of the time, any chance the child takes hold of to be seen by its parent self (Present day you), is shot down, and the child is sent to sit in the corner. External things just seem too darn important to focus on your own needs sometimes. Your child isn’t even allowed to show its face. It’s best to let them roam freely on occasion. If you’re feeling suffocated in your life, it’s most likely because the child has been locked away for too long, and is crying to be released.
When you look at two friends having a good time, you can almost see their childish selves playing around their feet, as if the people were just good parents who are simply watching over their kids as they have a playdate. A good friend gives you a sweet, sweet release from everyday adulting. The moment that you start to realize that is the moment that you find just one more reason to love them. Be a friend to yourself. Take care of your child. Anything that you think would be terrible to make your son or daughter do is something you should almost never force upon yourself. However, there are exceptions. You should always follow this advice unless:
A) you need to play the parent in this situation
or
B) you’ve found that the consequences match with your WHO so well, that you deem it worthy of sacrifice. (Keep in mind however, that you will be sacrificing a child.)
Good luck parenting, and I'll see you in the next chapter.
Work Cited
“Apa Dictionary of Psychology.” American Psychological Association, American Psychological Association, dictionary.apa.org/regression. Accessed 1 Feb. 2024.